Self-awareness is hard work. That's all there is to say about it. Hard. Work.
I think subconsciously I had hoped that becoming aware of myself, of my wants and needs and goals, would be easier. But it's not. In fact, I found out I keep falling back to my old habits: running away from looking at myself (both literally and figuratively) and pretending everything is fine even though it's most definitely not.
What I am secretly referring to is my first appointment with my job coach. Two weeks prior to this appointment, she sent me a whole lot of homework to do, and, as I used to do back in high school, I figured I'd do all that work in a few days time, rather than a little work a day for 14 days.
I am an idiot.
Still. But I got it done in the end, anyway.
What I realised above all today, is that it's not going to be an easy ride. At least, not as easy as I thought it would be; I now have a little notebook stuck in the back pocket of my jeans, so I can write down all my impulses when I experience one. I need to keep noting down all the things that attract my attention in books, magazines, papers and on TV, as well as during my daily do's. I also have to keep record of all things that make me smile, happy, put sparkles in my eyes.
My CV, how precious I thought it was, however neatly I thought I had arranged everything, is, apparently, "a good few years out of date" (but I did get a compliment on my LinkedIn profile and picture - just saying).
need to stop believing that self-awareness is something that can happen
in a few days time. It's not. It's going to be a long process. It is
going to be a lot of work, just like everything else in life that's
worth fighting for. And I believe self-awareness is worth fighting for.
Because I am not an idiot.