* May 2014

May 6th, 2014

Injustice ~ /in-juhs-tis/

Injustice is a fact or event that is anything but right, honest, or fair. Injustice is, for example, your mother getting blamed for things other people did (more) and losing her job as a result of unjust behaviour of others.

My mum was framed. It's like the Roger Rabbit movie, except for the scary man whose eyes plop out of his head and cost me many, many nightmares when I was a kid. But still, framed.

OK, so she wasn't exactly completely innocent when working at the bar (yes, she would sometimes give my dad or me a free drink in return for us helping her out a little when she was the ONLY ONE in the building, all her coworkers safely at home; and no, she didn't share her tips, because no one else did either), but after she got the sack last Thursday, we've talked about it a lot and thought it over, and it just doesn't make any sense at all. At least not that my mum is the only one being fired.

First things first, she's worked there for over 11 years and she likes doing it, even though the working conditions became rapidly worse over the last couple of years. Younger, lazier co-workers with smooth talks taking over supervision and bringing in more and more of their young, lazy friends to work with them (read: do absolutely nothing and still get paid).

During those years, she's seen a lot of things that were not supposed to happen within any company, and yes, she eventually joined in with the taking stuff home principles, but never more than she needed (a little whiskey for a recipe) and never, EVER, more than the hounds that never lifted a finger and were too busy getting drunk themselves than to help the customers at the bar. Hell, one of them even woke up one night, lying on the floor of the bowling alley where they had been bowling (and drinking and snacking) without paying, face down in his own vomit. I know my mum ain't sin-free, but she sure as heck's never done anything like THAT!

Anyway, apparently a few weeks ago someone from their headquarters came over because they found some irregularities in the sales figures (finally! Geesh), and they placed a hidden camera, filming everything in the bar. Including my mother when she was giving my father a free drink after he helped her count the till and take out the trash. And when she wasn't putting her tips in the tip bucket, but in her own pockets.

They (falsely, I might add) accused her of not registering sales and putting that money in her own pockets, too. Something she SAW one of her lazy *ss co-workers do one day, but refrained from mentioning it to her boss, since she had no proof. And the boss is in on this, too, so it wouldn't have mattered even if she had told him.

Long story short: she was shown the footage and then given an option: resign and be done with it, or don't resign and face the charges they would then press. She choose the former.

And as days went by and people started talking and gossiping, things suddenly started to fall into place. Like why her boss phoned her and made my mum come over for a "bar personnel meeting" rather than tell her they wanted to have a few words with her, like a real man would have done. Or why all the lazy arse youngsters were gathered there for "the meeting" as well, while my mum was the only one that was called into the office and got sacked. One thing became very clear during the past few days:

They knew.

There is NO WAY in hell they didn't know. The cameras that filmed my mother must have surely filmed them, too, and God knows they did a whole lot of worse things than my mum's ever done. Yes, she's made mistakes and no, she's not a saint, but she was sent to take the fall for them, because her lazy hound supervisor is real close with the manager, and they've been searching for an excuse to get rid of her for years anyway.
My mum was the only one getting the sack, because all the hounds and her manager were in on the scheme. Had hey boss been fair, they would have ALL gotten the sack. Instead, they chose to conspire against her and pointed their fingers at my mother and her alone.

Now THAT's injustice in one of its purest forms. And I hate it. It makes me sick (I think it's even on my list of things I hate in the About Me section).

I'll get them, don't worry. I knew I haven't been watching all those episodes of I Almost Got Away With It for nothing.  Patience is the key. Patience and a keen eye. Muahahahahahaha!

...Seems like I got a bit carried away there. Well, I just hate it when dishonest people get their way over the backs of hard working, honest people. Makes me so eager to retaliate. Makes me feel as if the only way to fight injustice, is by being unjust yourself. To even it out.

All in all, I think it's a good thing she's fired. Working for a company that's so messed up from the bottom up is like carrying water to the sea: a hopeless battle. Yes, she's definitely better off now than she was working for those idiots.

...Kind of sucks we can no longer go to free Zumba classes now, though :(
May 14th, 2014

Self-awareness ~/self uh-wair-nis/

Self-awareness is hard work. That's all there is to say about it. Hard. Work. 

I think subconsciously I had hoped that becoming aware of myself, of my wants and needs and goals, would be easier. But it's not. In fact, I found out I keep falling back to my old habits: running away from looking at myself (both literally and figuratively) and pretending everything is fine even though it's most definitely not.

What I am secretly referring to is my first appointment with my job coach. Two weeks prior to this appointment, she sent me a whole lot of homework to do, and, as I used to do back in high school, I figured I'd do all that work in a few days time, rather than a little work a day for 14 days. 

I am an idiot.

Still. But I got it done in the end, anyway.

What I realised above all today, is that it's not going to be an easy ride. At least, not as easy as I thought it would be; I now have a little notebook stuck in the back pocket of my jeans, so I can write down all my impulses when I experience one. I need to keep noting down all the things that attract my attention in books, magazines, papers and on TV, as well as during my daily do's. I also have to keep record of all things that make me smile, happy, put sparkles in my eyes. 

My CV, how precious I thought it was, however neatly I thought I had arranged everything, is, apparently, "a good few years out of date" (but I did get a compliment on my LinkedIn profile and picture  -  just saying).

Conclusion: I need to stop believing that self-awareness is something that can happen in a few days time. It's not. It's going to be a long process. It is going to be a lot of work, just like everything else in life that's worth fighting for. And I believe self-awareness is worth fighting for.

Because I am not an idiot.

I'm also not quite as neurotic as I thought I was! Unless my job coach's just as neurotic as me but isn't aware of that, yet...
May 23rd, 2014

Profile ~ /proh-fahyl/

A profile is something I, apparently, never match (not even if I match it perfectly). But honestly, I blame myself for this. If only I'd stopped wishing that people would stop putting me in boxes years ago, maybe I'd fit someone's profile today.

"You do not fit our profile" is probably the sentence I hate most right now. Oh no, wait, that would be the always-included Let's Show This Failure We Are A Very Positive Organisation By Ending This Rejection Email With: "We hope you find a more suiting job soon!" (that is including that exclamation mark, yes).

You guessed it: after nearly 5 months of sending out job applications, all I got is the "You do not fit our profile"-excuse. It's an excuse, really, because why on Earth would I want to apply for something I couldn't do in the first place?

I swear I'm just too old; 27 is the new 65. If I could, I would retire.

I know I am gloomy, but after receiving yet another rejection yesterday, with yet again the same lousy excuse, I kind of lost it and got upset, and today I am still upset. I can't believe I am too old and that nobody is interested in me, but after being rejected so often, I've started to feel as if I'm not interesting enough.

And this is not me. At least, not any more since I overcame my depression years ago. I am not a quitter. I don't sit down, break down and cry and let my world crumble and go to hell. I NEVER give up, always get my head back up and carry on fighting. I don't do not fighting.  I am a fighter!

Maybe that's not what they are looking for.


Well, I'll give myself a few days to get over this and renew my energy to start the applying process all over again. And again. And probably again. I will match someone's profile one day!

Even if it is the profile Shemar Moore's real-life counterpart creates of a serial killer. I bet I'd fit that profile quite nicely after some more ridiculous rejections...

Now HE can profile me any time! Even if it's just in Criminal Minds >:)