March 4th, 2014
Destiny, an uncanny feeling of dissatisfaction with any idea you've come up with thus far on how to live your life, most commonly coming over you when you try, really hard, to fall asleep. Frustratingly, that is exactly where destiny ends; it does not give any answers, it merely makes you feel as if you're failing. Badly.
I have an extreme fear of failing. That is to say: ONE of my extreme fears (I've gathered a couple throughout the years) is to fail. In general, but mostly, in life.
The irony of that is that I am so scared of failing I hardly dare change anything in my life, leading to me now being 27, living at home with my parents, not having a job or boyfriend and, some people in my surroundings seriously lean heavily on this last matter, not being pregnant.
So, one could say I need not fear I'll fail, for thus far I've already done it.
Having said that, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. What I do know is, that I want to get a place of my own, preferably in another country, and... yea, that's it. Oh, and I want to have a pet bunny. Yes, that's some great goals and plans I've got, huh ;)
Before a good week ago, I really thought (and despreately tried to feel this was the right thought) I wanted to find a job in Ireland and move there. Yes, I love Ireland. I have a weak spot for that gorgeous country and if I would indeed ever end up there, I'd not be surprised at all.
However, ever since my return from Dublin, when I tried and tried to FEEL I really belonged there rather than here, I've... well... simply not been feeling it. And to acknowlegde that I might be wrong there, when I'd already been telling everyone I know how badly I want to go back, well... that's a bit sour. Because let's face it, if this is not what I want, then what IS?
Self-reflection (I'm getting better and better at that, thank the Lord) taught me I want to go a bit further than Ireland this time. I am not done with travelling yet, maybe I'll never be. But I asked myself where I'd go if tomorrow I'd wake up and someone would give me an open ticket which I could use to go ANYWHERE in the world...
Yes, I surprised myself with my own answer.
at least it's a lead. It may take me nowhere, it may take me very far
(quite literally). For now, I'll keep it to myself and see if there's
even a way to do what my latest brainfart is telling my heart now. Or is
it not a brainfart, but simply destiny knocking on my door (or rather
my head), trying to keep me from doing something I only think I want,
trying to wake me up and steering me into the right direction?
We'll see. At least it gives me a bit of a purpose now, figuring it out. Which is always better than sitting at home with my parents, without a job or a boyfriend. OR a baby on the way (like that would fix anything).
We shall see if destiny is right. It probably is. I mean... it's hardly ever wrong, is it?
Adventurous is eating a white chocolate chip macadamia nut American cookie, even though you know it's way too "crunchy" because you had it in the oven for too long and eating it may cause your teeth to break, for the simple fact the taste is divine.
Ok, so it was not just the taste (although it did taste soooooo good, if I may say so myself), but also the fact that one of the main ingredients, the macadamia nuts, where hardly anywhere to be found. And when I eventually did find them they were massively overpriced AND salted. So in order to make these delicious cookies, I not only had to cycle through half of my hometown in order to find the required nuts and pay a price for them for which I could've bought 3 ready-made likewise cookies from the freshly baked department in the same supermarket (maybe that's why they overprice these darn nuts! Hah! I'm on to them now!), but I also had to rinse them with water in order to get most of the bloody salt off.
But, I prevailed and the cookies smelled and looked amazing.
Sad part is, I didn't know these cookies would remain fairly white all throughout the baking process. Which means that, instead of taking them out of the oven on time and just letting them cool off as specified by the recipe, Neurotic Me had to let them linger in the oven for, and I hereby quote my brains: "only just a few more minutes, so they turn nicely golden-brown."
If anything, I should have learned by now never EVER to listen to my brain when in a new-thing-never-before-tried-this-recipe baking process. EVER.
Anyway, it was only when I had settled onto the sofa, armed with a cup of tea and one of my gorgeous cookies, I took a first bite. That is, I TRIED to take my first bite, for the thing was so hard I was afraid I'd dislocate my jaw if I kept trying to bite a piece off. And it only got worse when I heard my mother making her way through her white chocolate chip macadamia nut American cookie.
It sounded as if she was sawing something... (Thank goodness she has dentures. Although she might need new ones now).
Really, she made the same noise my gerbils used to make when they were gnawing on their rock-solid candy :')
After that epiphanous (ooh, nice word, should've used that one!) afternoon, I was left with a difficult choice to make: what was I going to do with my poor cookies? Was I to throw them out, so the birds could, well, TRY to feast on them? Or would I not give up the fight and keep gnawing, chopping, breaking and smashing my way through them myself?
I chose the latter. Why? Because I can. Because I am the type of person that does not just give up without a fight. Because I love white chocolate, nuts and cookies. Because I loved the taste of that rock hard baked goodness and it was more than worth it.
And also because I did NOT spent a sh*tload of money on ingredients only to throw the final product away!
I stuck to it, finding new ways to break off bits and eat them like
they were supposed to be eaten. Every cookie was a battle, but every
outcome was in my favour. At least, the favour of my taste. Maybe not so
much the favour of my teeth...
Well, at least I know my dentist will be proud of me ;)
Shame is a feeling of great discomfort, often starting its attack on your body in the back of your neck, working its way down your arms and chest as well as travelling up towards your face, leaving you with the uncomfortable sensation of being slowly burned from within. It occurs after something stupid has been done, either by yourself or by someone else.
I am ashamed to be Dutch.
There, I've said it. It was never a secret that I don't like my home country, but some things have happened during the past week and now I can safely say I am terribly ashamed of being Dutch.
Wilders hates terrorists, ergo he hates the Islam, ergo he hates all
muslims. I reckon that's how he thinks, because that's practically all
he's ever saying. So, one of the main issues he fights for is to get rid
of all the muslims in the Netherlands... He has been doing so for
years, but nobody every realllllly paid attention to him since he's such
a loser and we all kind of take him as the joke of our parliament.
But last week we had local elections. Quick explanation: the Netherlands is divided into 12 provinces, each province is divided into several municipalities. And each municipality has a leading local political party, very often a sister party of a big national one.
Wilders' party gained a lot of votes compared to the last local elections (HOW?? WHY?) and he was therefore celebrating with his homies, when all of a sudden (and this is caught on camera so don't think I am joking):
"People in The Hague, I'm asking you once and for all: do you want more or less Moroccans in The Hague!?"
To which the entire (!!) room started chanting "Less! Less! Less!" and Wilders concluded with: "Well then, let's take care of that".
Shame. Utter embarrassment. That this not only can happen, but is actually happening in contemporary society. In my "oh so tolerant" country!
Yes, there are a lot of others that are mad at him. Yes, a lot of people have told him off for it or have even pressed charges for discrimination. But no, he does not understand "what all the commotion is about" and no, he is not going to apologize or take back anything he said, for it is what he thinks and we have freedom of speech in our country after all.
Yes, freedom of speech in our beautiful, 'very tolerant' country. Now that's something we should hang on to, something important. Something very fundamentalistic of our society and something we should treasure and be proud of to have, shouldn't we? And it really doesn't matter who you hurt with your freedom of speech, because hey, it's your opinion and what could possibly be wrong with that?
Shame. That's all I feel when I see the footage or read his excuses. Utter embarrassment. I am ashamed to be Dutch.